Thursday, October 28, 2004
A Day Off!!
Oh well, a day off work was quite ok with the earlier half of the day spent cramming FACTS into my shallow head followed by sitting in the exam hall for an hour following which I had a fruitful yumchar session with Jess and Euji. Yumchar ended at 10 to six and then I found myself sitting in a jam going home before having dinner with mom and sis.
NOBODY called NOBODY messaged so I decided to watch some movies and paint my nails. Did quite a good job, dark red with light blue flowers (stickers of course) and it looked pretty professional because mom asked when I went to the manicurist.
Nails dried, was in bed by 11. Looks like it's gonna be another boring night. My phone is sitting right next to me so CALL or SMS me to relieve my boredoom. Somebody!! ANYBODY ???????????
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Thanks for being a great friend and a wonderful companion. Thanks for being a big bro in times of need. Thanks for the lovely messages that never cease to brighten my day. Thanks for never failing to bring a smile to my face. Thank you.
You’re without a doubt a great guy. No doubt we have our little fights and misunderstandings but you've always been a wonderfully sweet guy at the end of the day. I hate the fact that I’m not “the one” for you. I do not deny you’re not “the one” for me. Yet there are times I compromise, I tell myself there is no “one” perfect person for me, for you, for anyone. I tried. I tried to cheer you up, to make you smile, to bring joy to your life. I’m sorry for the times I failed this task, I’m sorry I disappointed, irritated and misunderstood you.
I’ve not felt such happiness, sense of belonging and even joy in the past 2 years. I almost forgot what it felt like having someone by my side, accompanying me through the day with messages that always bring a smile to my usually dull face. You reminded me of what it felt to be loved, cared for.
I made a mistake. I misunderstood your gestures. I was silly, stupid even, for thinking that you would eventually fall in love with me. I failed myself, I sent myself into disappointment, I was too confident. I brought this upon myself.
I wonder what you’re up to now … probably watching the MU vs. Arsenal match at a mamak with your friends. I hope you have fun and if you placed a bet on Arsenal, I hope they win. I apologize for not being a soccer fan, sports is just not my cup of tea.
How was the party last night? I hope you had fun. I had good company, sitting in the mamak over loads of drinks, pissing the night away. I was thinking of you … if only you knew.
We needed to talk. We did, we shared our feelings, and we exchanged thoughts. I never dreamt of being irritating. It is not my nature to be possessive. I may be nosy no doubt, but just being female does not make me guilty of being possessive. I wish you understood, I never meant to make it seem that way. All I wanted to know was what you were up to so that I knew whether to say “have fun” or “be good” or “goodnight”.
Why I wanted to see you so often? You asked – even if it was for 5 minutes, one, or even a second… all I wanted was to look you in the eye and say HELLO. I am sorry if I implied otherwise, of course I would have loved to spend more time with you, I needed to catch up on the 3 years I’ve missed out of your life. I wasn’t demanding and so I gave in. I was happy, I didn’t complain.
I am sad. Why? Because I feel a loss. I am saddened by the mere fact that what I’ve been working on over the past few weeks have gone down the drain. It hurts me deeply to know that you never grew fonder of me as the days went by. I don’t blame you, you never got a chance to see all of me. I’m a little girl deep down, I long to be loved, to be cared for. I’m lonely. I seek partnership, companionship. I thought I found that in you but I guess I was wrong.
Will you ever understand me? Could you for once give in to me instead? Is there a chance for me to voice my opinions and you, for once rationalize? Am I that silly or stupid a person to always be thinking of the negative or even looking at things in a different perspective?
I am different. I’m a semi-fragile being. I’m devastated, I am saddened. I may not have lost a friend but I know that things will never been the same. You broke my heart three years ago and you’re doing it again. I don’t think there will ever be a third time. I’m sorry. Sorry for not being that someone, sorry for not being that someone you wished I was. I’m sorry.
With love filled with sorrow and pain,
Friday, October 22, 2004
Rong Rong and Jo Jo
In my 50 days or so of working, I’ve learn that work takes up 10 hours of my day, 10 hours of sleep and that leaves me with 4 hours of free time per day. Extract 1 hour for getting ready for work and another hour traveling to work … I’m left with an average of 2 hours to have dinner and chill-out.
When I was in college, I used to hate the fact that I had too much time on my hands yet I couldn’t do much due to financial restrictions and parental control. Now that I’m older, more independent, I have to take on a more responsible role, paying bills and playing adult.
Then again, I decided to leave for home unusually early yesterday (at 6pm) and was home before 7. I took a shower, continued watching Eurotrip, watched New Police Story, chatted a little and was in bed by 10.30
Woke up refreshed yet tired, probably due to oversleeping. I’m very much sleepy at work on this Friday morning. It’s hardly 11 yet and the phones are buzzing like there’s no tomorrow. Thank God I have my own extension now if not I would be hogging someone else’s line.
Why oh why do things always happen to make things go wrong?? Things happen for a reason you say? As much as I love Macs, they need to learn a thing or two from Microsoft man! Seriously, at the rate our Macs are crashing, I think we might as well invest in some super chun PCs!!!
Sigh~~ I wanted to write 2 pages but I think I won’t get a chance to. Gotta stop here and run to do more work. Will continue my complaints later! Ciaoz
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Clients… I’ve gotten the knack of calling them first thing in the morning, irritating them with the silliest questions possible. At the end of the day, I aim to serve, client servicing is the job title!
Work work work … that’s what my life is all about. Work. Clients and work. Boss and work. Nothing great … just that.
My life has been reduced to this boring realm where all there is to me is work and simply work.
Was in Kajang on Saturday for Pei Lyn’s birthday party. Almost everyone I knew from school was there. Kajang changed quite a bit since I left … in it’s never ending effort to build and establish eateries in the town. As if Satay wasn’t enough … now they’ve a stand alone Pizza Hut and KFC outlet in the edge of town, big and yummy. As I drove into Sungai Chua, I passed ONE KFC outlet. That prompted me to ring someone up to query where the dinner will actually be. I was about to ask whether it was the Sungai Chua one or the Town one but she cut me short and said the one further up. I was scratching my head thinking where IS further up?? Then she says it’s near High School. I wriggle past Kajang traffic to arrive at this HUGE parking lot with a KFC and Pizza Hut right in the middle of it.
Kajang … the roads never change but the place does. I miss that good ol’ town~!!!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
An AWESOME weekend!!!
The gorgeous girlfriends: Chui Ling, Aileen, Shuh Huei, Rubeni, Amanda, Pei Lyn, Siew Rong, Charlene, Yin Har, Sonia, Christina
The loyal boyfriends: Eric, Jenn Kiat, Jonathan, Ah Yap
My faithful ‘brothers’: Sean, Euji, Matt, Isis, VJ,
SJ Foosers: Galvin, Dree, Kevin, Christina, Botak
My faithful IRCkawan: Kerol, Duncan, Gareth, Damien
And apologies to those I may have forgotten to mention
It was fun. I had fun. It’s good to be able to gather all your friends together in one place to have fun playing pool and catching up on old times over food and drinks. I really wished we could do more of this in future.
Sunday was pretty alright with me starting my day at 5pm. Got home and made myself look pretty before heading out for dinner with Mom and Sis at Chillis. Food was good as usual … ended up parking my car at Chui Ling’s place so that we could catch up on the last 24 hours gossip as we drove to KLIA to pick Errol up.
Monday was back to boring ol work. It’s just another boring Tuesday … and I predict a boring week ahead.
Thanks to everyone who made my birthday a special and memorable one. I’ll be keeping these memories for a long time to come. *hugs*
Saturday, October 02, 2004
I went bowling. For like what probably was the 6th time in my life or so. My sister roped me in to play with her bunch of crazy girlfriends in a friendly tournament. 8 teams of players with 4 women in each team consisting of pro-bowlers, hustlers and noobies alike battled their strength to not bowl into the "longkang" and to strike their way home.
The team I was in played last and we were lucky to land third placing. It was fun, with pointers from the amatuers and the team spirit was strong throughout.
The past week has been pretty uneventful with work being just alright. My manager (Daniel) is on leave for the weekend leaving me in charge of pretty much of all his stuff. Its a BORING Saturday morning (as usual) but the good news I heard today is that the job I've been working on might just be approved today! now THATS something to celebrate about!!!
.... someone's in a foul mood today. Sigh ... why can't some people keep to their promises ??? Week in week out, he always says he'll definitely see me on Saturday. Last Saturday something inevitable happened, the week before that something else happened. Today another excuse came up. So much for my Saturdays reserved to relax, hang out and chill with friends. I guess I'll just go and play foosball tonight.
I've been pondering ... on why we make sacrifices. I sacrificed most of my extra income (teaching piano) for two reasons; so that my students can advance on to better teachers and so that I can spend more time working. I sacrifice my one and only sporting activity (foosball) so that I can spend more time "building a relationship" with Sean yet all my efforts seem to backfire. If I hadn't gone to see him last night, chances are I won't even get to see him till next week. Call me paranoid but I'm pretty sure some excuse will come up for next Saturday.
I feel stupid. Here I am, dating a guy whom I went out with for a very short period of time many years ago. He was always and still is a nice guy albeit with a slightly hot temper. Fate brought us back together after losing touch for a few years and here we are, seeing each other again. Things kicked off smoothly and usually, we would already be an item. Whats holding us back you ask? The X Factor is what I call it. I don't want him to treat me as a rebound so while I'm procrastinating, there are certain "factors" on his end that is deterring us from moving on. I know that I'll never be able to replace her in his life nor can I be any better than her. What I'm trying to do is to help him forget her for if he doesn't, I'll never be able to reach that part of his heart.
Simply said, I want him yet getting him is TOUGH! HELP ME!!! Hurting him now won't exactly help my efforts so I guess I'll be the silent partner for now. I can cope ... I can handle the stress ... I'll just bury myself with work and be a donkey and the hurt will eventually fade away ... but there is still a void deep down inside, the void of loneliness, the void caused by the lack of companionship. I long for someone to turn to in times of depression, I long for someone who can bring me joy and I bring him/her joy, I long for someone whom I can confide my deepest and darkest secrets to. I long for someone to sweep me off my feet. I can only long, I dont know if I'll ever find that someone .... but I'll keep longing ....
Shiatz, sorry for the sappy bits. I got carried away ... Oh well ... Life still goes on. On the brighter side, I turn 21 in 8 days. I'm looking forward to seeing all my girlfriends and gossiping the night away. Time to sign out of #dreamland and resume #workingland