J-Lo

J-Lo, Jo, Mojo, Jojo .. well they really are just plain ol' me. Bookmark this page for some bedtime reading and do post some comments once in a while for the love of me. *^_^*

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Dear You,

Dear You,

Thanks for being a great friend and a wonderful companion. Thanks for being a big bro in times of need. Thanks for the lovely messages that never cease to brighten my day. Thanks for never failing to bring a smile to my face. Thank you.

You’re without a doubt a great guy. No doubt we have our little fights and misunderstandings but you've always been a wonderfully sweet guy at the end of the day. I hate the fact that I’m not “the one” for you. I do not deny you’re not “the one” for me. Yet there are times I compromise, I tell myself there is no “one” perfect person for me, for you, for anyone. I tried. I tried to cheer you up, to make you smile, to bring joy to your life. I’m sorry for the times I failed this task, I’m sorry I disappointed, irritated and misunderstood you.

I’ve not felt such happiness, sense of belonging and even joy in the past 2 years. I almost forgot what it felt like having someone by my side, accompanying me through the day with messages that always bring a smile to my usually dull face. You reminded me of what it felt to be loved, cared for.

I made a mistake. I misunderstood your gestures. I was silly, stupid even, for thinking that you would eventually fall in love with me. I failed myself, I sent myself into disappointment, I was too confident. I brought this upon myself.

I wonder what you’re up to now … probably watching the MU vs. Arsenal match at a mamak with your friends. I hope you have fun and if you placed a bet on Arsenal, I hope they win. I apologize for not being a soccer fan, sports is just not my cup of tea.

How was the party last night? I hope you had fun. I had good company, sitting in the mamak over loads of drinks, pissing the night away. I was thinking of you … if only you knew.

We needed to talk. We did, we shared our feelings, and we exchanged thoughts. I never dreamt of being irritating. It is not my nature to be possessive. I may be nosy no doubt, but just being female does not make me guilty of being possessive. I wish you understood, I never meant to make it seem that way. All I wanted to know was what you were up to so that I knew whether to say “have fun” or “be good” or “goodnight”.

Why I wanted to see you so often? You asked – even if it was for 5 minutes, one, or even a second… all I wanted was to look you in the eye and say HELLO. I am sorry if I implied otherwise, of course I would have loved to spend more time with you, I needed to catch up on the 3 years I’ve missed out of your life. I wasn’t demanding and so I gave in. I was happy, I didn’t complain.

I am sad. Why? Because I feel a loss. I am saddened by the mere fact that what I’ve been working on over the past few weeks have gone down the drain. It hurts me deeply to know that you never grew fonder of me as the days went by. I don’t blame you, you never got a chance to see all of me. I’m a little girl deep down, I long to be loved, to be cared for. I’m lonely. I seek partnership, companionship. I thought I found that in you but I guess I was wrong.

Will you ever understand me? Could you for once give in to me instead? Is there a chance for me to voice my opinions and you, for once rationalize? Am I that silly or stupid a person to always be thinking of the negative or even looking at things in a different perspective?

I am different. I’m a semi-fragile being. I’m devastated, I am saddened. I may not have lost a friend but I know that things will never been the same. You broke my heart three years ago and you’re doing it again. I don’t think there will ever be a third time. I’m sorry. Sorry for not being that someone, sorry for not being that someone you wished I was. I’m sorry.


With love filled with sorrow and pain,
Me


1 Comments:

  • At 9:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    *sob*sob*

     

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